


the two years theory

by aristotle



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, M/M, idk more vent fic im depressed, not rlly much divergence just some dates n shit i moved around for plot's sake, sadfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 03:27:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11118954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aristotle/pseuds/aristotle
Summary: John had a theory. He called it the two years theory. It was his belief that anything and everything good that happened to John Shepard could not outlast a timespan of two years.





	the two years theory

There was no sensation quite like Kaidan’s arms around your waist, he thought.

He held so tightly, his proximity so warm. Kaidan Alenko was a sun in himself, and John wanted to spend the rest of his life basking in that glow. He sucked at the skin below Kaidan’s jaw, whispered _I love you_ ’s into his clavicle, and worshipped the star that burned every part of skin that met his.

The next morning, John woke up first.

He always did, actually. Whether it be from nightmares, a hangover, or just his dysfunctional sleep schedule, he always found himself awake to watch the sun rise over the form of Kaidan’s naked body beneath the covers.

This, too, was intoxicating.

There was a calm light shining in through the window of the Citadel as the day grew to a quiet buzz of people getting up to start their daily routines. Currently on shore leave, John had no such obligation, though he knew once Kaidan woke up he’d remember some sort of paperwork or meeting that John had forgotten about the day before. For now, though, there was nothing but silence throughout the cabin, and as he watched the slow rise and fall of Kaidan’s bare chest beside him, he began to think.

John had a theory. He called it the two years theory. It was his belief that anything and everything good that happened to John Shepard could not outlast a timespan of two years.

_What a silly and paranoid theory,_ some might think. If we’re being honest, John knew it was an absurd theory himself. And yet, he sat there, the warm light of the Citadel curving over his naked thigh, and thought back to everything—and everyone—he had lost before those two years were up.

He was two years old when he was abandoned by his parents.

He was four years old when he was kicked out of his first foster house.

He never stayed in the same house more than two years after that.

When he was sixteen, he was recruited to a gang. He was kicked out within a year and ended up homeless, hungry, and beaten down.

He joined Alliance Military when he was 18, and was pulled from troop to troop for six years until he had found a group of people he could consider friends.

He had been with them for a year and a half when he listened to them get slowly picked off one by one by a Thresher Maw as he hid underneath the corpse of his best friend and sobbed into his hand.

A year later, he found himself in the company of Kaidan Alenko.

John Shepard knew he was in love with Kaidan Alenko the first time he saw him smile, filling out a holopad crossword puzzle and amused at a naughty typo of the word ‘duck’ that a poor intern was surely being fired over as he sipped his coffee. He wasn’t that much older than John, yet he carried himself with the slow caution of a grandfather. It was a weirdly endearing character trait, and endlessly entertaining source of playful mockery.

The first time he kissed Kaidan Alenko was six months after that. It was nothing major; a small kiss on John’s cot before a mission in the heat of the moment. Kaidan initiated the kiss, much to John’s surprise. Almost more surprising was how quickly he began kissing him back.

He found himself dead the next day before he could pursue that path further.

John Shepard was dead for nearly two years before he woke up in a lab, finding that no, this curse couldn’t even seem to allow him that peace.

He was awake, and he was alive, but he was alone. Everyone he had known and loved had moved on without him. Kaidan Alenko had rightfully ripped his heart out on Horizon and left before he could try to fight for him.

And that was what John Shepard thought about as he watched Kaidan sleep. Kaidan Alenko was the strangest confirmation of the two years theory in that he proved it time after time. Kaidan seemed physically incapable of staying in Shepard’s grasp for more than two years.

The first time he left was on Horizon; not counting the two years he was dead, John Shepard had been with him for a year and ten months when he broke his heart.

The second time was a year later, while John was on shore leave. Despite having sent him a message expressing interest in making amends, it seemed that he no longer wanted anything to do with Shepard. He was the bare minimum friendly, occasionally more passive aggressive than that, but he humored John’s presence. He was no longer anything more than the rest of his fellow soldiers in Alliance. He was no longer his Lieutenant.

After the Reapers attacked Earth, Kaidan Alenko had stayed for the shortest amount of time when he told Shepard he would not be returning with him on the Normandy after the accident on Mars. John didn’t have anything left in him to grieve; he knew that Kaidan Alenko was not a man who was meant to stay in his life. He was not someone John Shepard would ever be allowed to hold.

Yet now he did.

He turned to Kaidan, brushing the back of his knuckles down his spine, feeling the contours of his back shift as he moved towards the warmth beside him. It wasn’t long before he had unconsciously tangled himself around Shepard, his head pressing into the crook of his neck as his hand pressed against his heart, as if to make sure John was still there, still breathing.

As he watched Kaidan’s chest rise and fall in his sleep, he silently mourned the relationship he knew could not last. As he leaned over and pressed his lips to Kaidan’s forehead, still slick with sweat from the night before, he listened to the buzz outside their apartment, silently wondering when Kaidan would realize his time is up and escape to the stars once again.

Kaidan Alenko had a known fear of losing John Shepard.

In John’s experience, Kaidan was always the one to leave.


End file.
